For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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