I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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