I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
