I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I love how my cats smell like pot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
