We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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