Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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