If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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