You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
