Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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