If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
