Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just invented taco cereal.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
