in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
