i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
