she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
