So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
