i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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