you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
