She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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