Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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