Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
