this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't deserve a penis
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
