I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
