Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize