nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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