Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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