I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm really busy with my period
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