He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
