Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
