We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize