Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
