Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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