You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
