I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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