Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
