sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
