Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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