my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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