no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
