Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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