She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
