forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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