When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
