wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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