New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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