you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
