i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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