hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
