No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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