Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
