i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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