A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
