I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish you could order shots online.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
