I don't usually arrange sex via text message
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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