It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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