I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
