I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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