My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
